Introduction Letting go is never easy, especially when it comes to our children. As parents, we nurture, guide, and support our kids for years, only to face the challenging reality of stepping back as they step into adulthood. Dr. Jack Stoltzfus, a seasoned clinical psychologist and parenting coach, has dedicated his career to helping parents navigate this transition. His new book, The Parent’s Launch Code: Loving and Letting Go of Our Adult Children, provides a roadmap for parents seeking to support their young adults while fostering independence. In this exclusive interview, Writers and Authors speak with Dr. Stoltzfus about the complexities of launching young adults, the generational shifts affecting today’s parenting, and practical strategies to balance love with letting go.
Interview with Dr. Jack Stoltzfus
Background and Expertise
Writers and Authors: What led you to specialize in coaching parents of young adults, and how has your professional background shaped your approach?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: My clinical psychology practice saw a growing demand from parents struggling with their young adult children’s transition to independence. There were few resources available, as society often assumes parenting ends at 18 or 21. My PhD dissertation explored healthy emotional separation, and as a father of three, I had firsthand experience launching young adults. Prior to this focus, I worked at 3M, where I developed a coaching program for executives. My work with parents now integrates my research, clinical expertise, and coaching background.
Writers and Authors: How did your personal experience raising Millennial and Gen X children influence your understanding of the launch process?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: While I successfully launched my three children, we faced challenges. For instance, my daughter once called from college, asking if I could bring her a sandwich because she had missed the dining hall. I was shocked, reflecting on how different my experience was when I moved a thousand miles from home. This was an eye-opening moment—if she felt entitled to ask, what had I done to encourage that entitlement? Many parents today unknowingly contribute to their children’s dependence.
Common Challenges and Solutions
Writers and Authors: What are the most common challenges parents face during the launch phase?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: The biggest struggle is balancing love and backbone—staying connected while letting go. Parents often need to relinquish control, adjust expectations, and apologize for past mistakes. Many also grapple with saying goodbye, as it signifies a major life transition.
Writers and Authors: Your book highlights that parents can’t rely on their own experiences as templates for launching Millennials and Gen Zs. Why is this?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: The world has changed drastically. The transition into adulthood now extends into the late twenties or early thirties. Economic pressures, student debt, and evolving career paths contribute to delays in independence. Additionally, parents today are more invested in their children’s success and happiness, making it harder to let go. This has led to phenomena like helicopter parenting and entitlement.
The Parent’s Launch Code: Key Strategies
Writers and Authors: How do the six practices outlined in your book help parents navigate their child’s transition?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: The six core practices are:
- Unconditional love – Provides a secure foundation for young adults to take risks.
- Shifting from control to coaching – Encourages a collaborative relationship rather than directive parenting.
- Apologizing for past mistakes – Helps parents let go of guilt while allowing their child to release resentment.
- Forgiveness – Essential for both parents and young adults to move forward.
- Love and backbone – Establishes firm yet caring boundaries to promote independence.
- Saying goodbye – A crucial step in allowing young adults to step into their own lives.
Writers and Authors: How should parents distinguish between helping and enabling their young adult children?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: Parents should ask themselves three key questions:
- Am I acting out of love or fear, anxiety, frustration, or guilt?
- Am I staying true to my values (honesty, responsibility, etc.)?
- Will my actions promote my child’s independence or dependence?
If the answer to the last question leans toward dependence, it’s likely enabling rather than helping. Buy Now on Amazon
Generational Shifts and Family Dynamics
Writers and Authors: What societal changes contribute to Millennials and Gen Zs delaying independence?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: COVID-19 amplified these delays, with many young adults returning home and struggling to regain momentum. Economic challenges, student debt, and high housing costs also play a role. Additionally, parental over-involvement has created more dependence. Interestingly, other cultures, such as India, embrace multigenerational living without questioning independence. Perhaps we need to reconsider our societal bias.
Writers and Authors: What advice would you give parents whose young adults resist becoming self-sufficient?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: Take an incremental approach. Increase household expectations—have them contribute rent, manage chores, and prepare meals. Sometimes, they need a push, such as taking them to job interviews or volunteer opportunities. Gradual independence-building is key.
Writers and Authors: How can parents handle guilt or fear when setting boundaries?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: Apologizing for past mistakes helps release guilt. Parents should set clear, loving boundaries without feeling they are abandoning their child. Vulnerability and open communication strengthen relationships.
Practical Strategies for Resilience and Growth
Writers and Authors: What strategies help foster resilience in young adults?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: Let them experience consequences. Don’t bail them out of mistakes—if they get a speeding ticket, they should pay it. Offer emotional support but let them take responsibility.
Writers and Authors: What mistakes do parents often make in the launch process?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: Holding on too long, over-functioning for their child, and failing to set clear expectations. If a young adult refuses to meet household expectations, it may be time for them to find their own place—with parental support in a non-punitive way.
Final Insights and Future Projects
Writers and Authors: Can you share a success story from your coaching practice?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: One client, a late-twenties male, was living at home, earning well, but was disrespectful and not contributing. His parents encouraged him to move out, but he threatened to cut them off. Through coaching, the parents wrote heartfelt apologies for past misunderstandings, which softened his resentment. Eventually, he found a place with friends, pursued further training, and successfully launched with his parents’ continued support.
Writers and Authors: If you could offer one piece of advice to struggling parents, what would it be?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: Be patient. Most young adults find their footing in time. Stay loving, set clear expectations, and trust the process.
Writers and Authors: What’s next for you?
Dr. Jack Stoltzfus: I may develop a workbook based on The Parent’s Launch Code and explore a guide for family therapists working with parents and young adults.
Conclusion Parenting doesn’t stop when children turn 18—it simply evolves. Dr. Jack Stoltzfus offers a refreshing and compassionate perspective on launching young adults while maintaining a caring connection. His insights challenge traditional assumptions about independence and provide actionable strategies for parents facing this complex transition. Whether you’re struggling to let go, setting boundaries, or wondering how to support your young adult’s next steps, The Parent’s Launch Code is an essential guide for navigating this journey with love and wisdom. For more resources and coaching support, visit parentslettinggo.com.
